Really Old Kids vs. Adults

By anybody's count, I'm definitively a grown-up now. I have forehead wrinkles that don't go away when my face is at rest. I have multiple bills in my name and a good credit score. At some point in the near future, my doctor will probably start prodding, lightly, about my fertility.

If I ever go to the doctor, which I don't, because I'm not a very GOOD adult.

I've been living on my own for years now, buying groceries besides beer, keeping my cats mostly fed, blah blah blah, but I still feel as though doing those distinctly "adult" things earns me credit in my grown-up account which I'm then justified in blowing on totally non-adult behaviors.

This week I went to the dentist AND scheduled an eye appointment so that, rather than just continuing to wear my disposable contacts until my eyes actually fall out, I can then go on to spend MORE money on contact lenses, the most boring and adult thing to spend money on ever (barring, of course, the insurance I pay for in order to reduce the appointment cost in the first place).

This means that I can go home and watch Adventure Time for hours, right?

I've been doing these "adult" things long enough that they shouldn't register as out-of-character anymore. But it still feels like I'm playing house. Every time I vacuum the living room, or pack a lunch for work because it's JUST SO PRACTICAL AND COST-EFFECTIVE, I feel like I deserve a gold star. Or a cocktail that--now that I'm old enough that real diseases can happen and long-term health is a legit concern--I probably shouldn't have.

Shouldn't paying my credit card bill in full exempt me from having to ever understand what the hell "escrow" is?

Even asking that question earned me a cocktail.

When do other people make the switch to an adult identity? Is everyone just faking it, walking around talking about the rates of return they're getting on their various IRAs while secretly, inside, they feel like they should still be allowed to fake their moms' signatures on a "doctor's note" so they don't have to go to work today? I assume there are people out there who actually FEEL like grown-ups. What's that like? Awful? I'm gonna go ahead and further assume it's awful.

I'm starting to think I will never stop feeling this way--like I'm playing pretend--a stance I'm not exactly upset over, but one I'd love to know whether I'm alone in taking...