On Opera Subtitles

Just got back from a trip to Carmen at the Boston Lyric - a lovely little affair, though the soprano singing Micaela was nowhere near as good as the soprano gypsy, though she had the far bigger part...but I digress - and it got me to thinking about the whole subtitling question.

For those of you who don't know, Carmen is in French, a language I sometimes sorta-speak and/or nearly-understand. Which means that I can occasionally get the gist of a completely mistranslated line, a very dumbed-down version that loses any and all subtleties, or just a series of things they didn't bother to translate for us at all.

So I ask you, why? In Carmen's first solo, there's a whole bit that's playing on the multiple meanings of "regard" in french - sort of like if I look your way, you better look out (loose translation at best, but it actually MOSTLY preserves the original french word-play) - so why translate it as "if I love you, beware!"

Isn't opera supposed to be for the learned, self-impressed, and snobbish? Judging from the fact that the average age at the performance I attended was approximately 64 (with me significantly pulling down the average) and I'd guess the median income was at least 10 times mine, wouldn't you think people would prefer MORE information, not less? There are a lot of trills and repeated phrases - it's not like you're barely keeping up with the line-reading or anything...

Le sigh. C'est la vie. Or, as the subtitles might mis-tell you, "whatever."

"Foodies."

I'll say it. I hate the term, and those that self-apply it.

My reasons:

1.) How does liking something confer expertise? I understand that some people take their interest in food, cooking, and eating further - they plant gardens, learn techniques that require "aging," and don't eat Velveeta - but in that instance, wouldn't "connoisseurship" be more appropriate as a title? The leading expert on telecommunications probably doesn't call himself a "phonie" nor would you hear highly-placed weapons experts at the department of defense refer to themselves as "nukies."

2.) Who doesn't like food? I'd say that along with shitting and eventually dying, it's one of those "human condition" things that doesn't really set you apart so much as define your ability to exist. On top of being a foodie, I now consider myself a waterie, sleepie, and abundant-oxygenie.

3.) Yes, everyone eats, but some people really APPRECIATE eating, savor every bite, despite overwhelming fullness must try that dessert because it's just so interesting sounding. Well there's already a term for that (and in my book, it doesn't refer to your physical self, it refers to your approach to eating): fattie.

4.) Ten-cent criticism sucks, as do the people who, without any particular qualification, feel entitled to dole it out. "Foodies" are often experts in this field, if not in any actual food-field itself.

All I'm asking for is "food enthusiast." Would that be so hard?

Skinny Jeans

They've been around a while now, so I feel as though it SHOULD be common knowledge that the term "skinny jean" refers not only to the tailoring on the pant leg, but to the preferred physique of the wearer.

I'm not saying the portly lady or gentleman CAN'T wear this trend, but like many trends, I feel as though many, many, COUNTLESS people jump on board without thinking of the real-life consequences for them, on their bodies, and subsequently seared into my retinas.

A great ass does not translate to a great ass in THAT PAIR OF PANTS. Unless you are Rachel Zoe or smaller, your chest is likely not shown to best advantage under a modified circus-tent of a shirt. High-waisted jeans were made for the waisted.

Even simple things like colors work this way - you love yellow, blondie? Perhaps you should first work on a new complexion, or else use it as part of your zombie halloween costume. Olive skin plus certain greens equals heightened look of nausea. If you have that Ginger tint for a skin tone, why would you make it truly scary with pumpkin orange? Why don't people understand that SHAPES work this way times 1000????

Basically, we need to add a new segment to sesame street. Then, rather than being forced to look in a mirror and THINK about it, people can do what they (we, though I often hate to admit it) are best at: operate based on previously determined rules that we have internalized through constant repetition. Say it with me enough times - skinny jeans are a privilege, not a right; skinny jeans are a privilege, not a right, skinny jeans...- and you start to believe it's true...

Ugly Child Actors

Once when I was much younger - middle school younger - I heard a casting call over the radio. It was for a child actor - don't remember the part, but I do remember the finishing line of the ad:

"more than just pleasantly plump is a plus, but not a must."

Shall we assume a certain amount of pleasant plumpness WAS a must? I think we shall. Shall we also assume that "Heavyweights" (the movie about fat-camp kids, in case you don't love it as much as me...)-level obesity was the child-actor equivalent to having previously slept with the director? Oh we DEFINITELY shall.

It begs the question: how, as a stage parent, do you push your average, or below-average looking kid? Obviously there is a market for this...a market that is BRUTALLY honest about what it's looking for. If this was the commercial, I can only imagine the actual casting that eventually took place:

"Oh wow, this kid is a real porker. Let's give him a callback for sure."

What's the net effect on self esteem? "I got cast in a movie over 100 other kids, AND no one in my school even gets to be at casting calls" has to make you feel pretty rico suave-ay as a twelve year old. "They were specifically searching for the awkward, overweight best friend" can't really do much for you.

This is one amongst many, MANY reasons why I have no plans to whelp. Hormones: please don't betray my logical, intelligent decision. PLEASE????

Brace Yourself.

So I sit here typing with a wrist brace on, to stabilize my arm and help ward off the carpal tunnel and soreness that I already have daily, on the thumb-strap of which my boyfriend has written "hers" in a flowy script, because I bought HIM one, too.

I realize that this sort of brace is uncool.

But where do other ones fall?

Back braces for scoliosis - uncool.

Neck braces - uncool.

Wrist braces DUE TO ATHLETIC INJURY - sorta cool.

Knee braces because you go so hard at the gym - if that's your type, then cool.

Things that look like back braces, and which serve that purpose, but which are being used as "weight belts" - again, it's a type thing.

Braces that stabilize the joints in the walls in your house - underappreciated.

Braces to "hold up" your already-tight pants, a term you use because you're British - possibly very cool.

Braces on your teeth - possibly a fetish.

Decisions

I find that the more trivial the thing I'm deciding, the more difficulty I have in making up my mind between options. For example, today at Target I was tripped up for a solid five minutes over my choice of cat litters. Which really has better clumping action? Do I trust this brand - it costs a dollar less than the other - is that bargain shopping, or simply an indication of lower quality? How much can I carry home?

When I picked a college, I flipped a coin. God's honest truth. But I can't even TELL you about how long it took me to figure out whether to use a dime, or a quarter, or maybe a penny, but is that too cheap for such a big decision, and...

Drugs

I know that with things like sleeping pills, anxiety meds, and crack, if the version you're given isn't up to snuff, you can upgrade. I'm fairly certain that in the last five years before his retirement, my dad, having steadily worked his way up the ladder, was using a horse tranquilizer to help him nod off at night.

My question is: do they have this with allergy medications? Like, when I wear out the abilities of claritin to fight off my feelings of total-body itching slash dryness, and I already have, is there a "we use this on zoo animals" version that will take the edge off?

Suggestions would be very welcome.

Our Eyes Are Watching God...For You!

This is a humor piece that won't find a home anywhere else - enjoy!

"people just assume they know how to pray. But that’s not true. Prayer is a lot more than reciting words. It requires mastering both theory and technique…The Brooklyn Tabernacle operates a prayer line on which people can call or e-mail requests…'She’s either from Virginia or her name is Virginia,' he said, squinting at the paper in front of him. 'Either way, I want God to help this person and the others who have contacted us for prayer.'" – The New York Times

Have you ever had something in your life you wished you could change? Have you tried praying in the past only to be frustrated by aching knees, forgotten bible passages, and dry mouth? Have you poured your heart, soul, and hours upon hours of your life into praying for that one special thing, only to find out that God's plan apparently didn't include your health, the life of your grandfather, or the defeat of all infidels?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you're not alone! It's time for you to stop wasting your time praying and start hiring the professionals at BT to do it for you!

With our phone and e-mail prayer lines, set up to take your prayers 24 hours a day, seven days a week, we do all the hard work; all you have to do is sit back, relax, and reap the benefits! With just the effort of a short, simple phone call, you can have the easiest and most efficacious experience that you've ever dared to hope – maybe even pray – for!

In the old days, Protestants used to think that prayer was about personal communion with one's god, exploring and reaffirming the depth of one's faith, and striving to better oneself.

Boy, were they wrong!

Recent scientific developments have shown that prayer, far from being an integral element of the faith experience, is actually about trying to get God to give us the things we ask nicely for. When it fails to work, many people think it's somehow their fault, that God wasn't listening, that their faith wasn't strong enough or their request not important enough, or that there wasn't even any point to prayer at all!

But these terrifying experiences of doubt and/or the application of statistical evidence don't have to be your fate!

Scientists at the BT institute have spent years studying and analyzing the properties of prayers and testing how they work in many real-life situations, and we've made an amazing discovery: most prayers, through improper application, breakdowns in celestial telephone lines, or simple human error, never even reach their destination!

It's not God's problem, or even your problem, it's your prayer's problem!

That's where BT comes in.

Our staff of dedicated prayer professionals have the knowledge, the training, and the connections to make sure that all your prayers are answered!

"But BT," you're saying, "what about the skeptics? They've told me that centuries of evidence disprove the efficacy of prayer!"

Wrong! Like you, they're looking at the evidence from the wrong kinds of prayers. We're confident that with BT behind you, your prayers will reach optimum levels of effectiveness in no time flat!

"But BT," you're saying, "what if I'm a sinful person? Isn't that the reason my prayers aren't getting answered?"

It's not! With our proven techniques, compounded by the cleansing effect of the prayer's passing through another body, even the prayers of sinners can be answered!

"But BT," you're saying, "what if my prayer really isn't all that important? My bunions suck, but it's not like we're talking about life and death, here, you know?"

For you let us provide this example: just last night, one of our prayer technicians put through a request for a really great club sandwich…a request that got approved early this morning!

So stop wasting your time and energy and leave the most important requests in life, or just the ones that you really wish would happen, up to the professionals. Our results are guaranteed!

Disclaimer: BT is a limited liability corporation and is not responsible for lost, stolen, or otherwise mishandled prayers, or for injury incurred in the delivery of prayer responses. Prayer responses may not correspond with desired results. While BT guarantees a response to each prayer, lag time may take up to ten years. BT is not responsible for hatred on the part of any god or gods towards the prayer recipients or requestors, or for subsequent actions to which this hatred may lead. Certain restrictions, including but not limited to size of prayer, bodily condition of prayer-recipient, and the laws of physics, may still apply.

The problem with twitter

Twitter has a lot of flaws, a lot of annoyances. One that pops right to mind: following someone you like, generally want to hear about, but who CONSTANTLY tweets. Twenty + per hour, about anything, EVERYTHING, that s/he is thinking about and which happens to him/her. Unfollowing seems like unfriending on facebook, both insulting and weirdly permanent, and yet the alternative - never getting to know what Michael Ian Black's bowels are doing today because a handful of folks you usually enjoy, or at least find inoffensive, can't stop talking about how hot their coffee was and how awkward it was to maneuver on the bus today and on and on and on - is so much worse.

But that's not my biggest problem - I realize that a.) that's what I've signed up for, and b.) it's only my own complete social paranoia that makes unfollowing someone who is stressing me out roughly equivalent to asking your boss, who happens to be the father of the person you're dating, and who has made it clear in so many words on multiple occasions that he hates you, for a raise.

My biggest problem is when you have a moment of pithy brilliance, and thanks to twitter's transient nature, it gets lost forever in the ether.

One I wanted to remember: "My new extreme insult: I never even knew you could fit that many dicks into a bag and then proceed to suck them all."

Wow. Comic GENIUS.

I tried to recall it this afternoon - the wording was ALL off. Hell - I might say loads of semi-life-changing, PG-13 rated things and never know it, since the majority of my niblets are buried under avalanches of chatter about how great Taylor Swift looked at the VMAs and the like in other people's streams.

Yes, this makes me pathetic, and neurotic in yet ANOTHER way. But really, would you expect any less of me?

Restasis

Okay, chronic-dry-eye tear producing drug, I have a newsflash for you: anyone who has "herpes viral infections of the eye" won't be needing your product, anyway, as they will most DEFINITELY be crying, constantly. Please leave that one off your 'fine-print' talk at the end of the commercial...and out of my mental film reel...